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  • gurujay 1:47 PM on May 31, 2011 Permalink | Reply
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    GuruJay’s Psychedelic Revelations – Week 22, 2011 

    the opposite of everything you anticipate will unfold. you are so overwhelmed by guilt, you should probably consider turning yourself into the local chaplain. fortune favours the brave. but in your case, it will favour the sneaky. yesterday you were the scoop. today you are the poop. money will be easy come, easy go. write your phone number on all the currency notes in your wallet. you can expect a lot of calls. you will finally find your spirit guide today. turns out his name is Jim Beam. he will wear a v-neck tshirt. people around you might think you have become paranoid. dont pay attention to them. they dont have cameras following them everywhere. do they? a few rats follow you today, it is because that your cologne smells like rat poison. you are far from fit as a fiddle. settle for fit as a cello. perhaps its a good day to have an intellectual and stimulating conversation with a spade. it will dig out some unknown facts for you. like that corpse in your backyard. someone might spike your drink at the bar. but you are such an alcoholic that it will not have any effect on you. your lucky pastime is dropping spiders into pockets of people when they are not looking. try not to get caught. your lucky dance move is the macarena while moonwalking. your lucky hairstyle is chonmage.

     
  • gurujay 2:40 PM on May 23, 2011 Permalink | Reply
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    GuruJay’s Psychedelic Revelations – Week 21, 2011 

    the position of uranus in the 4th house will make it difficult for you to sit in certain positions. avoid bar stools. you will see scary hallucinations. in fact they are not hallucinations. they are real. sets your eyes high. in fact watch out for falling air-conditioners. you have always lived by convictions. the next one coming your way is for 10 years. that friend you though was an introvert, actually has more Facebook friends than you. however, you should choose your friends wisely, as one of them is plotting to eat you. you will find love in unusual places. look out for a rash in those unusual places too. your lucky profession is dung beetle whisperer. your lucky pastime is cleaning a bong with lighter fluid. your lucky surprise is unplanned pregnancy. your lucky sound is ribbit. be careful while reading this. it has been proven unlucky for those gullible to paranormal garbage. avoid gravity.

     
  • gurujay 10:02 AM on May 18, 2011 Permalink | Reply
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    GuruJay’s Psychedelic Revelations – Week 20, 2011 

    who said things would get better? you will lose 1 of your 5 senses. it won’t hurt. aliens are after you. fix ‘no parking’ signs at a cornfield near your house. cancer in the moon. mooning while meditating will give you a tumor. every happy moment in your life came from lying. don’t give up on it yet. give your colleagues a break. call in sick. your whining sickens everybody. you should leave now. lonely? meet a friend. oh wait! you have no friends. perhaps its a good time to write a poem about how emotional you feel these days. recite it to chaps who come to clear your garbage. they wont feel the stink. your luck lies hidden in scratch-n-win coupons. however, scratching a few thousand coupons will give you carpel tunnel syndrome. your type is a minority on this planet. so any path you pick, will be a road less traveled. your lucky prison name is Strauss-Kahn. your lucky hobby is neutering. your lucky toy is a pair of pliers. your lucky vacation spot is a graveyard. your lucky pastime is bed-wetting. avoid french and greek. quit smiling. that smell is from you. that’s it. run away.

     
  • gurujay 2:34 PM on May 11, 2011 Permalink | Reply
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    GuruJay’s Psychedelic Revelations – Week 19, 2011 

    you are sharp as a tack. that means someone has you under their thumb. your job is as exciting as watching paint dry. but don’t try licking the paint before it dries. a bump on your head will cause loss of memory. another bump will bring it back. you will have no recollection of either. because of your skills on some obsolete video game, you risk being abducted by aliens who will ask you to save their tribe from annihilation. you will have a sweat stain that resembles Mona Lisa. however, while running around to get an art critic to write about it, that stain will smudge. you will fall in love with a sheep and marry it. you will have a lifetime supply of sweaters. reading text messages while reading is good. the next one is going to warn you of a monster truck that’s heading your way. your belief that all of life’s problems can be solved by a heart to heart talk and a good nights sleep will be tested when you are introduced to trigonometry. your lucky morning drink will be coffee instead of single malt. your lucky kama sutra position is The Employee. you will have to bend over backward while kissing your boss’s ass at the same time. your lucky pastime is standing below a tall building and looking up. your lucky vegetable is okra. your lucky research is finding out the difference between vines and creepers. clean out your closet.

     
  • gurujay 6:28 PM on May 3, 2011 Permalink | Reply
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    GuruJay’s Psychedelic Revelations – Week 18, 2011 

    there is no single reason to worry about your future. there are thousands actually. opportunity will knock on your door twice. after the second knock, you will open the door to discover your friendly debt collector. it’s a good time to travel to a far away land in search of your soulmate. that hideous perfect partner is waiting for you in a cave. you’ve lost your voice because you kicked the tonsils, when your foot got stuck in the mouth. strange things will happen to you today. you will wear a full-sleeve top, only to discover your hands have shrunk. now your fingers hardly extend beyond the cuff. due to a previously unknown medical condition, you will now develop a desire to listen to mongolian electronica on loop. have you considered adopting a new life? resettling with the Enawene Nawe tribe in the Amazon will give you hope. ghosts of old dead enemies will stalk you this week. drive it away with your singing. your voice is guaranteed to make the skin crawl of even ghosts. you will lose your mind temporarily, only to find it in the gutter. this week you will eat food with 56% less bacteria. your lucky numbers are hidden in your boss’s scalp. your lucky slogan is ‘going out of business’. good week to marinate yourself in cologne. you will find solitude in the toilet. it will comfort your senses. especially the nasal. in case you’re thirsty in there … try the toilet-bowl margarita.

     
  • gurujay 3:02 PM on April 26, 2011 Permalink | Reply
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    GuruJay’s Psychedelic Revelations – Week 17, 2011 

    this week, you will be back on track. sadly, that track is downhill and you have no brakes or steering. it’s time to transcend your duality and become one with the universe. you will stop seeing your own image on the mirror. reality will get too much for you to handle. time to escape into fantasy. some people from a religious cult or men wearing long dark suits will knock on your door. both will leave you miserable. you will leave footprints on the sands of time. which only mean’s your wristwatch will be lost on your trip to the beach. hard work may attract your boss’s attention. in your case try cheap perfume. get a tattoo on your forehead of the word ‘idiot’. so that people who see you don’t have to waste time trying to figure you out. today is a good day to be benevolent. it will make people worry. this week you will lose your puberty and begin to sound like justin beiber. you will feel blessed and that your cup runneth over with joy. that only means it’s time to get a bigger cup. your lucky talisman is a rabbit’s foot. in fact hang the whole rabbit around your neck. you have used up your whole year’s quota of bad luck this week itself. next week you will run on deficit. most of your friends will unfriend you on facebook. check to see if your shadow has an account and add. your lucky vow is to stay single. your lucky pastime is rides on a emotional roller-coaster. your new friend might be a vampire. buy a neck guard.

     
  • gurujay 2:38 PM on April 20, 2011 Permalink | Reply
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    GuruJay’s Psychedelic Revelations – Week 16, 2011 

    your magnetic personality will do you a favour. cutlery will stick to your body. your eyes will have a new sparkle. only because you mixed Windex™ when cleaning your lenses. while searching through some old family documents, you will discover a big inheritance left behind in your name. unfortunately rats have gnawned the page with all details. take revenge. invest in a rat-trap. you have been treading water all along. soon you will develop webbed feet. your boss will be painful today. that should be ok. that’s what he is paid for. you will dream about super-glue. it will leave a deeply spiritual influence for the rest of your life. rekindle your love life. buy an abused four-poster bed. you will fall for a trap laid by a frog and kiss its lips. it will leave your lips slimy forever. your lucky vegetable is brussels sprouts. your lucky music is 70′s tracks on cassettes. but you will never find a cassette-player to listen them on. your lucky toy is a magic lamp with a genie emblem. rub hard with energy and hope. you will find a bee in your bonnet and a fly in the ointment. time might heal your wounds. but karma will turn up to wound all the heals.

     
  • gurujay 2:55 PM on April 11, 2011 Permalink | Reply
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    GuruJay’s Psychedelic Revelations – Week 15, 2011 

    this week you will step out, guns blazing. ooops! make that – hands in the air. you will win a huge lottery. you will be shocked to discover that the colleague you’ve been blaming goof-ups on, does not exist! you are always spontaneous. time to read-up on ‘combustion’. this week, be senstitive to the less fortunate. next week, go back to pointing at them and laughing. a dark secret in your life will be revealed when you answer a facebook quiz ‘which pineapple flavour are you?’ according to mayan astrology, you have no star-sign! today wear all the colognes you have. it will take you to a strange plane of consciousness. you’ve discovered that you are immune to the swine-flu virus. pigs are immune too! your lucky pastime is playing with the toaster in the bathtub. your lucky pet is a tsetse fly. your lucky rock lyric is ‘ticking away the moments that make up a dull day’. your word for the week is ‘sincerity’. your lucky drink is ‘truth serum’. about that lottery … i lied. it did make you feel good while it lasted. take comfort in that.

     
  • gurujay 3:36 PM on April 6, 2011 Permalink | Reply
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    GuruJay’s Psychedelic Revelations – Week 14, 2011 

    your future is made of wine and roses. i was only talking about the roses over your coffin once you lose your battle with alcoholism. there is an indication that your financial woes are coming to an end soon. pimping or peddling might be a temporary means to that end. although life will not bestow you with many blessings, revel in the few you have on hand with fervor. you will hit a rather rough patch. it is just a skin rash, nothing to worry. you will soon find that sunlight hurts your eyes, your incisors are growing and you like the taste of blood. again, nothing to worry. one of these days, you will lose your marbles. someone will find them and put them up on craigslist. your good deed will be to use your talent to help someone. filling a bong doesn’t count as as talent. but that’s all you have got. your biography will be authored by your ex. the title of the book will be ‘Dealing with a Psychopath.’ you will decide to go on a vacation. but your baggage will take a longer vacation than you. lucky pastime is making loud nasal sounds. your lucky toy is a box of kleenex. your lucky lingo is Yoda. you are not alone by choice. it is the choice of others.

     
  • gurujay 5:23 PM on March 27, 2011 Permalink | Reply
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    GuruJay’s Psychedelic Revelations – Week 13, 2011 

    karma knows your name and has your number on speed-dial. time to get an unlisted number. your creative side will get a boost when your finger-painting finds its way to the fridge of a art critic. this week will give you enough time to devote to your favourite pursuit – chain-mail forwarding. that extortion scheme you’ve been working on will backfire once you discover the person you were scheming on doesn’t exist. dont buy dynamite sticks this week. they are set to explode next week. walk into a bookstore and buy a self-help book. it will help fix that wobbly table leg. travelling to the countryside might not be a good idea this week. you make sheep nervous. you have untapped superpowers, which will make a group of tribals from the amazon, who practice head-shrinking, hunt you down. the OS upgrade you downloaded will send a history of your browsing to a secret society. convert to a new religion this week and mutter a lot under your breath. however you will not last long with this religion as they will throw you out for questionable morality. however, there are 50 other religions willing to have you. your lucky fruit is sour grapes. your lucky profession is panhandler. your lucky phrase is ‘Eeny Meeny Miny Mo.’ your lucky vodka mixer is just ice.

     
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